TESTS – what kind of parent are you?

An authoritative parent

You are the type of a parent, who rarely makes compromises. Rules, borders, orders are typical for you, they are your strong side. That what you say must pay without a debate. You have built the authority in your children, what on the other hand is not bad. The bad part is that it is built on a fear that you are generating on your children and they are afraid of the consequences (punishment, slap) that come arise after they do something against your orders.

Your strong side is that you always follow everything that has been settled (ordered) by you. The bad part is that you miss an effective communication.

When children are adult they can have problems to manage their emotions (for instance anger, impulsivity) and inability to explain their own opinion. A child can give up to fight with you, but inside they are unhappy and the level of anger on you is slowly but surely increasing.

The authority has already been built. It works excellently. We will show you what you can change a little bit to support the communicative skills to take an open relationship with your children which can happen to be full of believe.

1. Reconsider some of your rules, borders and minimize them (2-5). Tell to your child why you have decided like that for the child to understand it better.
2. Try to find an agreement (compromise) for the other things. That means, you will ask them what their opinion is, in what way they would like to do something or let them find their own solutions that would be appropriate for both sides.
3. To be able to apologize, is very important for an authoritative parent. I know it is not normal for your nature, but if you really want to have a good relationship with your children you will have to learn that. Say sorry always when you make mistake, when you falsely accuse (libellee) your child or when the situation could be solved in a better way. Your children will appreciate you more when they find out you are able to do that.
4. I will help you to find reasons of the particular behaviour of your child in different situations. Ask them why they did (made) it like that. Try to be in their boots and try to take a look on a situation with their eyes.
5. Support them to show their feelings. Let them say their opinions, for example that they are sad, because of your decision that they are angry, because you did not let them go out with their friends. You let them to show their anger and with that you will kill the anger that would on the other hand normally be increasing inside your children. It is much better to tell something that pushes you down aloud. As authoritative parents, you also have to learn to be able to show your feelings. Your children will see it and they will learn that from you.
6. When they say that they are angry, sad or they admit with something, do not braid them up. Do not criticize them, but on the contrary, try to listen to them and tell them for instance that you understand them and that you know how they are feeling and so on. Because when they fear to tell you the true or to show their feelings, they will stop to talk to you and that is the worst of all what can happen.
7. Before every problem stop and breathe. It will help you to find maybe more appropriate solution how the situation could be solved much better.

You will learn this stuff in a book “how effectively manage the resistance of a child”.

You will learn to be able to communicate more effectively.

A parent “TEACHER”

You are a kind of a parent who brings her (his) children up on a basis of for you logical explanations and persuading. You explain them everything in a way full of love and patience (lovely and patiently) that this should (could) be done this or that way etc. You always repeat and accent. You always lecture, bribe and moralize. Your strong side is a patience. You are trying to explain stuff again and again, even though you see that it already is not working for months for example, and your children are always doing what they want. Your children know that you love them and many times they are abusing it. They rely on you on a stuff that you always remind them their homework and that you will make decisions instead of them. Your children know that when they are given homework or they are supposed to do something and finally they did not do that, everything that is waiting for them is moralizing and in the end, you will do it instead of them. Your weak point is that you are not able to stand up for something you told your children to do and that you are not able to apply consequences.

A consequence of a teacher upbringing:

Children in this kind of upbringing are losing a responsibility for their deeds. They are becoming irresponsible. Younger children usually switch off and stop to listen to you. In the adult age, they have problems at work, are often late and do not fulfil their given tasks. They always sort of wait for someone to remind them something, someone to lead them, someone who will show them a way and how something should be done.

What can you do for your way of upbringing and to fasten a relationship?

1. Settle the borders, but be sure to follow them on your own! From 2 to 5 borders will be enough (for instance I will not do anything instead of them, etc.). A child starts to believe you more.
2. Settle and say to your children the consequences of your decision. Give them a choice from two possibilities and most of the times try to make the consequence you have settled. This kind of behaviour will push your child to be more responsible, not that there is you who always explain it to them. Moreover, they will learn to make correct decisions and this will be more useful for them in the future. Or leave them learn from their own mistakes “a milk has been spilt so it is up to them to clean the mess”.
3. I know that this will be different for you so try to minimize that as much as you can, I mean explaining, moralizing, correcting and over and over explaining.
4. Ask your children what the situation is like for them (I mean how they see the situation with their eyes) and ask why they do that. Ask them in what way they would like to solve the situation. Wait for an answer. Perhaps you will be given so smart answer you would never consider to be given. Also, children are able to see the right things and make them properly with good intention. But as parents we sometimes do not see it and it leads us to explaining and moralizing.
5. Before every problem stop and breathe it will perhaps help you to find more appropriate solution how the situation should be solved.

A communicative parent

You are leading your children to useful and correct communication. Together you are looking for ideal solutions. You are interested in feelings of your children and you make them an area to speak their own opinions. Your strong side is an effective communication. A weak point is that you are afraid or you do not want to use a healthy authority.

A consequence of a communicative parent:

In the adult age children are responsible on their own. At work, they voluntary incorporate themselves into actions, they can say what they like and what they do not like. They prefer compromises before quarrels (hassles). They are active and always look for new solutions. Children where there is more communication than is a need are losing the sense for justice.

What can be done for a better way of upbringing and to fasten your relationship?

1. Settle the border but be sure to follow them on your own! From 2 to 5 borders will be enough (for instance, if the child makes wrong decisions they will bear the consequences personally).
2. Built a healthy parental authority. Not with punishments, but the child has to know that you can keep what you said. The child will begin to believe you more.
3. Leave some space to the children, to learn from their own mistakes (the milk has been spilt, so they have to clean the mess personally). They have to learn for more responsibility for their own behaviour.
4. Always ask, ask and ask! I know that communication is your strong point and it works for you, but if you want to make it better, just ask and search for the route of the problem or success.
5. If you have more than one child settle the rules. Children feel that you are on nobody’s side, so you do not connive anybody even though one of them is more communicative. Rules are rules and they always bring justice.
6. Before every problem stop and breathe it will perhaps help you to find more appropriate solution how the situation should be solved.

A phlegmatic parent

You believe that your children are special (the ones), without one mistake. You do not want to limit the freedom of your child, you do not want they lose the self-confidence and their own authenticity. You always make concessions and warn your children minimally or very little and that is your weak point. Your strong point is that you see your children as excellent people (you see the Excellency of your children).

A consequence of a phlegmatic parent

Children are dominant and always reach their needs or what they want. They are selfish, rude, and impolite and outgrow their parents what means that parents are not able to manage them anymore. In the adult age, they cannot feet into their skin, are rude, arrogant, impolite, selfish and they cannot feel socially. They like to be a focus of the attention, of course they many times will not be and after can happen that children will be depressed because of that and in the end (finally) after some time can happen that they will not be able to manage it (not to be the focus of the attention).

What can be done for better upbringing and for having a better relationship with your children?

1. Settle the borders and be sure to follow them on your own! From 2 to 5 borders will be enough (for instance I will not do anything instead of them, etc.). A child starts to believe you more.
2. Settle and say to your children the consequences of their decisions. Let them have a choice from 2 possibilities and most of the time try to fulfil promised consequence. Do not make concessions if you want to improve your upbringing and your relationship. This kind of behaviour will lead children to be more responsible and not that you will always be explaining them something, tolerating them all the stuff they are doing and undergoing their unbearable behaviour. Moreover, they will learn to make better decisions and that will be helpful for them later in their life. Or very easily let them learn from their own mistakes “milk has been spoilt, it is up to them to clean the mess”. You do not have to be afraid, their self-confidence will not be destroyed.
3. Learn to communicate effectively. By communication you will help them a lot more, rather than “you can do whatever you want”.
4. Solve the problematic behaviour of your children. Do not pretend not to see it! If we allow to our children everything they want, they will hate us in the end. I know it is sad, but alas it is true.
5. Before every problem stop and breathe it will perhaps help you to find more appropriate solution how the situation should be solved.